November Philosophers
by Vetti
Summary: Kaname understood that he could correct this. He had the power to stop himself, and the choice not to conform to the mistakes the other part of him had committed. He could be the better version of himself...but he won't. [Kaname x Zero]


Started writing the latter part of this fic after eating bread and crying over the severity of my migraine at 1 AM in the morning.

* * *

Find what you love and let it kill you.

* * *

Kaname enters the lavish room and a mundane sight greets him. A certain enigma was part of the banal setting and was occupying one of the beds writing on a relatively large notebook by his lap, covering more than half of the span of his legs which were crossed. The dark-haired man drops his luggage gently by the side and scans the room. It was just as extravagant as the value of the money he invested. He looks up at the four corners of the wall, but eventually, his gaze lands upon the other occupant of the room whose attention had been retrieved from the writing tool at his disposal to Kaname himself.

Wine met amethyst as silence gently enveloped the room with its unnerving presence. Kaname opens his mouth to speak but he fails to verbalize his thoughts, as all the gears and screws in his brain had gradually unlatched from their engine and undid his mind entirely. His silver-haired companion doesn't take the lack of articulated response to heart and starts the conversation instead, "What's your cachexia?"

"My _what?_ "

The silver-haired man smiles a little and replies, repeating his previous statement, "Your _cachexia._ "

"I'm sorry but… _cachexia_?" the silver-haired man raises his hand to cease Kaname's string of words and speaks once the dark-haired man has quieted down, "I was just kidding."

Kaname looks more confused now at the silverette's behavior and the latter senses the disorientation as he explains what he means, "I honestly don't know what that essentially means. It was literally just the last word I remember from the thesaurus when I looked up the word _disorder._ "

Kaname laughs in stunted intervals, clearly unused and unamused by the humor. Zero doesn't press on the matter any further. The dark-haired man takes this as an insinuation of an end to the conversation, so he picks up his small luggage and closes the door before walking to his side of the room. He unpacks his small amount of belongings onto the side-cabinet at a relatively quiet pace when the familiar low and soft voice cuts through the silence, "I'm Zero, and you must be…?"

Kaname completes the sentence, "your new roommate." The tips of Zero's mouth twitch upwards and Kaname realizes his mistake and apologizes immediately before telling the light-haired man his first name and Zero nods from behind him. The dark-haired man could hear shuffling, and from what his ears can pick up; it was very likely that his companion had just put his notebook down.

In less than a few moments, Zero speaks again, "So, Kaname, who are you beyond our temporary lovely abode?"

Kaname closes his closet door, surprised at the question. He turns to the silverette and doesn't answer the question properly, "Are you sure you don't want to know what's wrong with me?"

Zero laughs and Kaname feels slightly humiliated for a moment, so the latter tries to rationalize with the silver-haired man—to which Zero shakes his head and remarks, "You're too jumpy."

"I have MPD."

Zero shakes his head again and laughs at the flat tone of the dark-haired man as if completely disregarding his words. Kaname finally answers the question, "I'm a professor in a far university."

Zero presses onto the matter, "Then how come you wanted to go all the way here just to get treatment," Zero pauses and Kaname almost raises his voice to reply but the silverette continues his musings, "but then again, you should be a figure of authority, right? So, it should be humiliating for students to find out their professor is mentally ill."

Kaname frowns and shakes his head, explaining further, "It's not that. I chose a further location because I'm…..dangerous."

Kaname expects Zero to laugh at how serious he sounds despite the effable piece of information, but the seemingly optimistic man doesn't laugh this time. Instead, he hears verbalized words coming out from his mouth, "How so?"

"You do know MPD, right?"

Zero smiles sheepishly and shakes his head. Kaname explains, "It's…I have two distinct personalities inside of me. Like, two people in one body—and we are very…averse from each other."

Silence almost reintroduces itself to the encased four walls when Zero comments, "that's pretty cool."

Kaname looks at Zero, with a hopeful gleam in his eyes, "Really?"

Zero nods, "I think you're one of the coolest roommates I have, yeah?"

Kaname almost hesitates but asks, "It's okay if you don't want to answer but…how many roommates have you had?"

"Don't worry, I answer everything. I had six already. You're lucky, y'know. Most of my roommates get out of here in less than a month or so!"

Kaname doesn't press the matter any further. Zero pulls himself beneath the sheets of his bed despite the early hours and remarks to the brunette, "You're too awkward, Kaname."

* * *

Kaname wakes up to a dimly lit room and beige walls. The moon stays placated up in the skies, with most of the common folk under the guise of unconsciousness. He tries to go back to sleep but then his eyes catch a glimpse of familiar amethyst. His roommate was awake.

"Well, that took you long enough."

Kaname's brows furrowed at the off-handed remark, "Why are you still awake?"

Zero's lips twitch upwards. But, Kaname notes, his eyes don't light up the same way it should when people express any genuine emotion. He doesn't point it out and blames it on the ungodly hours. Zero replies with an answer as cryptic as his presence, "Because the moon told me so."

Kaname doesn't delve into the matter any further. He asks the silver-haired man, "So, what do you do when…you're not here?"

Zero seems unprepared to answer and Kaname was just about to take back his words when the familiar soothing tone of his roommate had rung out the four walls they were confined inside, "I'm a writer," he held his breath before releasing it with a huff and adding as a side note, "for the lack of a better description."

Kaname's inquiring gaze doesn't escape Zero's peripheral so the silverette continues, "I want to say that I'm an _adventurer_ but that would be far too pretentious."

Kaname doesn't answer the rhetorical question. Both their voices go off at the same time and abruptly end in the same interval but Zero let's Kaname speak first, to which the dark-haired man complies, "Why are you here…you seem normal."

Zero shakes his head, "so do you. I'm here primarily to finish a book. A good one. My final one."

Kaname doesn't miss the thinning voice at the last few words. He clarifies to the silverette, "No I meant, what's your…cachexia?"

Zero laughs at the rebound of imperceptible diction but deflects the question in lieu of a story, "When I was in high school, I absolutely hated everything. I didn't like my school, my poor version of platonic companionship, my situation at home. I had absolutely loathed everything, but when I lost this one important thing in my life; things turned out for the better or maybe _worse._ I can't really explain."

"Anger management issues?"

Zero laughs harder at the wary question. It had a hint of genuineness to the tone, but not quite. Kaname stares at the silverette who was gazing downwards whilst laughing. His laughter ceases and he replies in a deceptively blissful tone, "Not really."

Kaname tries to continue where the conversation left off but Zero doesn't even raise his gaze to look at Kaname as he turns away and speaks to the brunette in a muffled tone, "Go to sleep, Kaname. The moon tells you to do so. I'll tell you when you get better."

That morning, Kaname sleeps well without any trace of his alternate self. He decides that maybe the presence of someone else is good for him.

* * *

Faint knocking sounds can be heard by the door. The feeble impact of knuckle to wood had jolted Kaname awake from his sleep. Muffled sounds from an indistinct female voice droned out in Kaname's newly awakened haze. He didn't have enough time to even understand a single word, but then his gaze shifts to his silver-haired companion and finds out that the other had already been wide awake prior to his wake up time.

Zero's face had morphed into indifference from the wide and affectionate smile he had offered the visiting nurse. Kaname didn't miss the sudden shift in expression so he asked the only logical question his newly awakened state could formulate, "Are you bi-polar?"

Zero laughs but doesn't confirm nor reject the suggestion. Kaname takes the lack of an answer as a no.

* * *

Kaname walks out of a group therapy session unscathed and controlled which was good. The other him was hopefully being suppressed into the deepest cores of his personality. He finds himself being followed by an odd yet seemingly harmless girl with a duller shade of silver…almost grey hair. It was unlike his roommate's but it had some similarities.

Kaname started the conversation by asking the girl's name, but his companion had only stared at him and stated after a whole minute of quiet assessment, "nightmare disorder"

Kaname isn't familiar with the girl's diagnosis so he just let it be and walked towards the dining hall. The girl follows and this time, she doesn't keep silent, "Who's your roommate?"

Kaname tests the waters, and tries his roommate's first name in hopes that his name is unique enough to be distinguished without a last name, "Zero."

A sharp intake of breath catches Kaname's attention. He turns to the light-haired girl who was staring at him with an unreadable expression. She stares straight into Kaname and tells him, "Take care of him please," before taking off and walking to the direction of the lodging.

Kaname disregards the interaction but keeps in mind the message sent across. He walks towards the dining hall alone, pondering over his silver-haired roommate.

* * *

"I am beyond salvation."

Kaname's attention was pivoted to the silverette as the unusual statement piqued his interest, "What do you mean?"

Zero smiles wistfully at the question. Kaname immediately detects the sad vibe coming from the silverette but doesn't press any further, "Poetic, isn't it? It's a new line I wrote for the main character of my work."

"Just a line?"

"Writer's block."

"Oh," Kaname pat his pillows and laid on his bed side-wards, facing the silverette, "What's the novel gonna be about? Maybe I could help."

Zero smiles at the offer but doesn't take it, "About my cachexia."

With that, the two of them laugh. Zero remarks, "That's not gonna go away, aye."

"Not more than a month."

Kaname turns off the night light, and turns away from the silverette. Just as the dark-haired man was about to sleep, he heard Zero's unnaturally meek voice mutter, "Kaname?"

Before Kaname could respond, Zero immediately continued, "No, never mind. Good night."

* * *

It's been two weeks and Kaname was slowly absorbing the routine of the ward. So far, he did have three meals a day with food that tasted exceptional for a hospital. Noon meant meds time, and lights went out at exactly 9 o'clock.

What's been strange in the past few days is that his roommate seemed to be wary of something, he just wasn't sure exactly _what_ he was weary of but Kaname rarely saw the silverette unless it was night time or during meal times. Sometimes, he wasn't even there.

Kaname doesn't even press on his companion's reason for being in there. He has come to appreciate the value of the other man's company, as opposed to the trivialization of some relatively unimportant information.

Despite being better, Kaname had developed a generally unhealthy habit of waking up at the strangest time before midnight. It had begun on the fourth day of the first week. He woke up at the flat time of 11:51pm. After that time, the nightly episodes would be recurrent but he never experienced that distinct feeling he usually gets when the alternate personality tries to resurface.

The days have been stationary, until one dreary night on the second day of the third week. Kaname wakes up at record time—11:51pm. The dark confines of the room envelope his vision yet again. This time, however, something is different.

The blinds have been slightly opened, making the outside lighting seep through parallel lines and illuminating the room with just the smallest of fractions. This brought his attention to the other occupant of the room who was also awake.

Red-rimmed eyes and the smallest ghost of a red flush were displayed the silverette's face. The expression had almost been imperceptible, if not for the faint lights from the half-opened blinds. Half of the silverette's face is hidden behind white blankets, creating a great contrast with his flushed skin.

Kaname opens his mouth to speak and call for the silverette's attention. Zero catches the potential question and beats the dark-haired man to it, "Shh!"

Kaname sends Zero an inquiring look, to which the latter responds with a small shake of his head before turning away from the dark-haired man.

The next morning, Zero doesn't acknowledge the small interaction from last night. Kaname doesn't question this course of action so he puts away the image of red-rimmed eyes and flushed skin at the back of his mind.

It will all end in a month.

* * *

On the fifth day of the fourth week, Kaname wakes up yet again at the dead of the night but he could already feel that something was very different. He takes a deep breath and does what he would regularly do during these instances; he glances at the clock and realizes something strange.

10:34 PM

That's when his position becomes clear.

Kaname wakes up to a familiar figure whimpering underneath him. He could feel himself connected to this person in his most intimate parts. It doesn't take him long to realize that the man underneath him was Zero.

Zero with the bright aura and witty retorts; Zero with the red-rimmed eyes and flushed complexion.

This is when details start invading his conscious. Zero's hands are tied on the headboard. The silverette was trying his very best not to look at the dark-haired man. His eyes closed shut, tears streaming down the apples of his cheeks—overlaying the dried ones which had been shed earlier.

 _How long have I been…?_

It clicks, in the most vivid manner. Perhaps, this is precisely what his other side had wanted to show him. This is what happens before 11:51pm. This is what happens before the nightly episodes, waking up in cold sweat and never understanding the reason behind this behavior.

Zero was right underneath Kaname, his eyes averted this time around. The silverette doesn't speak but does divert his body away from the brunette's invasive presence.

Kaname understood that he could correct this. He had the power to stop and not conform to the mistakes his other personality had committed. He could be the better version of himself.

But he won't.

With a new found sense of purpose, Kaname grabs the silverette's legs and pushes the light-haired man's form deeper into the mattress as he thrusts himself into Zero in a rough fast pace. Zero looks back at Kaname with those familiar glassy eyes, his head shaking frantically and arms trying to pull itself out of its binds.

Kaname could hear Zero whimpering and trying to whisper his pleading, "P..please…no more"

For the first time in a very long time, Kaname felt rejuvenated and dare he say, more connected to his true nature.

Kaname slowly pulled himself out of Zero until only the tip was left inside before going back inside in the same torturously slow pace. He reveled in the drawn out pleasure derived from such carnal acts, but noticed that Zero was starting to calm down at the slow pace. Perhaps, the latter had taken this as a sign that their nightly session was over.

Without warning, Kaname resumed the fast and uneven thrusts inside Zero. Tears were forming yet again at the edge of Zero's eyes as he spoke again in a hushed tone in between muffled gasps and moans.

"K-Kana…nnhh—pl—stop!"

Zero looked up at Kaname with that familiar pleading gaze. Such a vulnerable look was sent straight to his cock. He felt himself harden a little more from that. Judging from the shift in the silverette's expression, Kaname was sure that Zero definitely felt Kaname inside him get bigger.

* * *

A day passes from Kaname's discovery of what his other person is doing to zero

Zero tells Kaname that his novel is actually some long drawn suicide note that was supposed to be a life retelling of his life, but somewhere along the line, he lost the main point and motivation of his writing. Kaname doesn't tell Zero that he has fallen for him entirely and has succumbed to his dark desires.

"So after writing, will you…?"

Zero shakes his head at the suggestion, "I'm not quite sure yet. The future keeps on getting blurrier every time I try to seek a pathway through it."

"So how far have you gone?"

Zero laughs bitterly, "This would still take a while, I guess."

* * *

This isn't complete yet lol. There's probably gonna be a sequel...if I get motivated enough to follow this through with one. Anyway, if you reached this part-many thanks for reading. Hope you could follow it through with a review on what you thought. :)


End file.
